A few weeks ago I noticed an abnormality in my left breast. I called my OBGYN office to make an appointment and they were very quick to get me in. I sat in a waiting room full of pregnant women ... some dressed to the nines, others looked very comfy in their sweats and tennis shoes (FYI - sweats and tennis shoes will get my vote any day of the week). So, I sat there with full knowledge that the lives of these women are getting ready to change more than they could ever imagine and at the same time wondering what was going on inside my own body. The nurse came out and called my name and I reluctantly followed her to the dreaded scale. Next came the routine, "There are cups in the bathroom. We need a urine sample and be sure to write your name on the cup. We need to rule out pregnancy." Um, okay ...
I followed the nurse to the 9' x 6' cell room and donned a lovely designer gown (with the opening in the front) and waited on the doctor to come in. As luck would have it, as soon as I found an interesting story in the magazine I'd chosen, in walks the doctor. He proceeded to palpate my breast and gave the typical "um, uh huh, hmmm" that doctors do. I'm convinced they take a class on such language in medical school. I'm sure they get extra credit for having an unreadable face. After he finished with his examination, he advised me to get dressed and told me that he'd be back in to speak with me.
About 5 minutes later, he came in with a sheet of paper in his hand and told me that he wanted me to have a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. They'd already taken the liberty of making an appointment for me on May 6th (today). Fast forward to May 5th ...
I have a friend who is very good at helping me laugh off things that would otherwise worry me. Yesterday, she sent me this email:
POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
Everything clear?
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?
"Fine", I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt, a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....
So, I walked into the radiologists office this morning and signed in. A perky little nurse calls me back and directs me to a little changing room and tells me to undress from the waste up and put on the lovely designer gown (with the opening in the front). At this point, I had to laugh a little because all I could think about was the email that I'd been sent yesterday. I walked into a very sterile looking room with a machine that looked all too uncomfortable. As I'm "propped up" on the machine, I started snickering and the perky little nurse looked at me and said, "You know, most people don't laugh at this point." I didn't even bother trying to explain the email to her. But I did get quite a chuckle out of it.
By the way, the results were normal. The radiologist said that I had a subcutaneous something-or-other that I'm sure will cost my insurance company $2000. But I can absolutely live with that considering what the alternative could've been.
Thank you, Lord for answered prayers. Thank you for your unfailing faithfulness!!!
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